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Flicking the bean. The two-finger tango. No matter what you want to call it, female masturbation is the bomb.

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Scandinavians have invented a gender-specific term for the art of self-pleasuring — but is the portmanteau problematic? S weden, you must stop! And now a word for female masturbation: klittra. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education RFSU held a competition late last year How to see your sister naked asked people to nominate words that women could use instead of having to — ahem — press into service the traditionally male-associated words and phrases that abound.

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We can all applaud the intention behind the competition and the choice. Historical taboos around female sexuality, and particularly around the art of Taboo tattoo mal self-pleasuring, have left a linguistic void that — ahem again — needs filling.

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However, as the owner of what I believe to be a fairly standard-model clitoris, I must note two glaring problems. One, the conjunction of glitter and lady parts is Please bang my mum pleasing. Are there no Scandinavian equivalents of the array of English phrases, joyful in their inventiveness, that we have at our disposal?

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Take a constitutional in their lady gardens? Double-click the mouse? Or, as Jo Brand once suggested, do some gusset-typing? So many questions.

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Just make sure no glitter is involved. Shortcuts Sexuality.

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